


Our Sleeves Were Wet With Tears (Volume II)

by margaret_helstone



Series: Our Sleeves Were Wet With Tears [2]
Category: Chihayafuru (Anime), ちはやふる | Chihayafuru (Anime & Manga)
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship Rebuilt, Friendship/Love, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Post Season 3, Slow Burn, anime based, part 2 of the series!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:46:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28049463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/margaret_helstone/pseuds/margaret_helstone
Summary: “They both knew that it wouldn't last, that, come tomorrow, the so undesired feeling of awkwardness would take over them again, to some degree at least. They would pass each other in the corridors and a nod and a smile would be all they might expect; they'd meet at the train station occasionally but fail to exchange more than a few words.And yet somehow, it was fine. Because for the first time since Taichi's confession, they could hope that the distance they had built was not that of resentment and sorrow, but of mutual respect and readiness to wait.It was an AGREEMENT.”A Taichihaya story set directly after the end of season 3. Based on the anime, not the manga.Second Part.
Relationships: Ayase Chihaya & Mashima Taichi, Ayase Chihaya & Mashima Taichi & Wayata Arata, Ayase Chihaya/Mashima Taichi
Series: Our Sleeves Were Wet With Tears [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922617
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> And here, after a long while, comes volume II of this story!
> 
> I'm so excited (and so happy) to finally be able to share this next part with you. Even though the fandom is small and the pairing is not the most popular one, I have received so much love and support from everyone in those past few weeks that I really can't NOT mention it here. Whether you've found me on tumblr and came here in result or fished out the story directly on AO3, I want you to know that I cherish and appreciate all the enthusiasm so much! Really, if it weren't for you guys, I might have given up a long time ago.
> 
> Anyway, as I said: here comes the second part. I really do hope that you will enjoy it as much as you did the first. Please keep your fingers crossed for me so that the third one can come soon, too.
> 
> Love you all! Thank you!

It was dark and late when Taichi reached the doorstep of his own house that eve. With his hands still firmly in his pockets, he had walked slowly, his buoyant step lost somewhere along the way as the distance between Chihaya and him grew wider and wider with each stride. It wasn't that his misery had taken over him again, that the magical spell he'd been under while talking to her had been maliciously broken; there was no spell, and he was not miserable. More like...

More like Chihaya's presence had been a force that pushed him forward, while the absence of her allowed him to stop and think on his own.

_Though she certainly did her best not to push too hard today,_ he couldn't help but think as he ascended the steps that led to his front door. _I've never seen her this guarded. Now_ _ **that's**_ _something to think of._

All the way to her home, he'd been awaiting the moment she'd speak up and pester him about returning her school bag. He'd seen the glimpses she gave him. Each time he'd responded with a smile and when _he_ had glanced sideways at her, she'd done exactly the same. And yet, never in his life would he have thought that she'd manage to hold back until the end, only daring to reach for the bag after they'd already come to a halt.

She'd given him all the time and space she thought he might need, even though it was obvious how much more she still wished to tell him.

And it wasn't the only time she'd done that today.

Holding back a yawn, he put his key in the lock and turned it, suddenly feeling more tired than he had been in a while, and not only in the psychological or emotional sense. It seemed that the exhaustion from his matches with Master Suo had caught up to him at last, too, to the point where he thought he might actually faint on the spot. Mixed with the turmoil he had just gone through, it left him feeling all the weaker and more vulnerable.

The combination was deadly – the cure, as of yet, was unattainable.

If only he could go straight to bed and sleep it all off.

"I'm home!" he called out upon entering, idly wondering what kind of speech his mother would give him for being out for so long. Granted, he'd told her he'd be staying with his _tutor_ , and the funniest part was that it wasn't even untrue...

Still, even Reiko didn't think of him highly enough to believe that he could study for this long without break.

Almost mindlessly, he took off his shoes and set off towards the staircase that led to his bedroom. Having heard no response to his greeting, he wondered if perhaps his parents were out after all – heavens knew that they went out often enough to ground his suspicion in this regard. Chancing a look inside the kitchen, he noted that just like the living room, it was empty, and strangely relieved, he picked up his pace towards his own room.

Just because he'd learnt how to handle his mother's attitude didn't mean he was looking forward to facing it.

Besides, he hadn't been lying about the work that awaited him. There _was_ a lot of it, both for his usual classes and his barely commenced course at the cram school. The fact that he had just spent hours playing karuta with Suo Hisashi, and then some more time talking to Chihaya certainly did not help his case; and for once, it was more than his typical reluctance to search for excuses that made him want to hide these particular facts.

Long story short, he was in for a night of studying, and one that he was bound to keep a secret this time.

Suddenly he wished his parents were away for the entire weekend.

_If only._

"Welcome back," he heard his mother’s voice coming from behind him just as he was about to take the first step upstairs. Instinctively, he grimaced, but turned around anyway, making sure to school his features before facing her directly. "I was starting to worry, you know. I've never expected you to stay away for this long, competent tutor or not."

"I'm sorry for troubling you," he replied curtly. "I don't know if it makes it any better, but I couldn't even tell how long it would take myself."

"So you've said," she agreed. "Well, I hope you made good use of that time. You know how-"

"How you feel about wasting one's time. Yes, Mum, I know," Taichi cut her off in what he hoped was a polite tone. "And I promise you that I haven't. I still have things to do though, so, if you’ll excuse me, I'll go to my room now."

Reiko eyed him carefully.

"There's dinner waiting for you," she said simply, yet, the look she was giving him clearly indicated that it was not what she was really thinking about right now.

Taichi barely restrained himself from sighing wearily at the display.

"Thanks, but I've already eaten," he answered, as if he'd not seen her expression. "Now I really must go. Say goodnight to Dad for me, will you?"

Before she could say anything else to hinder him, he left his place at the foot of the stairs and resumed his hasty walk, determined not to give Reiko another chance at figuring out the truth behind his brief replies. She was already suspecting something, there was no doubt about that; however, there was a grand difference between his mother _guessing_ and her knowing for sure.

He was conflicted enough without her sticking her nose to it.

"Did she get to you?"

All air seemed to leave his lungs at the question, his body stopping mid-step as he comprehended his mother’s words. It took all of his strength not to turn back to look at her rapidly, the urge to do so only rivalled by the strange feeling of impotence that held him frozen in place, which again was probably the only real reason why he _didn't_ do that.

"Answer me, Taichi. Did Chihaya get to you in time, or did you miss one another somehow?"

Slowly, he turned around at last, desperately trying to ease his breathing again. The rational part of him told him that he was being the opposite, letting the unfounded fears take over him when the hardest part had already been behind him. After all, what was a little prying of his mother compared to the conversation he and Chihaya had had? Why would he be worried about her finding out about it when, apparently, she'd known all along?

But _how_ had she known?

_"Thank your mum from me, will you?"_

Of course. Chihaya had come to his home, hoping to find him and since he hadn't been there, it'd been Reiko to whom she'd talked. It had been Reiko who'd told her how and where to find him, though for what reasons, he couldn't fathom – and all that Chihaya had admitted to him openly when he'd asked about the reason for her coming to the cram school.

_"You weren't at home. Your mum gave me this address."_

You didn't need any deduction skills to connect the dots here. And his mother's were more than extraordinary.

And he'd forgotten all about it.

He supposed his tired brain could only take so much.

"She did," he answered with all the composure he could muster; there was no use denying the facts now. "She arrived shortly before I left, so the timing was spot on."

Reiko nodded. "Have you two talked?"

_You know when she was here and how long it would take her to get to me. I've just told you that I left shortly after. If I had gone home promptly, I would have come back hours ago and_ _**you know it** _ _."_

"Yes," was all that he cared to say out loud.

Their eyes met and for a moment, it seemed to him that Reiko was preparing to treat him with another question of hers, or maybe a whole lot of them. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, praying that she _wouldn't_ – and yet, he didn't allow himself to get too attached to that hope.

His gaze was still on her as he pondered about the interrogation he should expect. Would she ask about the subject of their conversation? Would she inquire about Chihaya's state or why it was so important for them to meet that very day? Or was she completely indifferent to all that and only bothered to bring up the issue to scold him for wasting his time after all?

Was it all just to tell him that she was disappointed with his choices?

"Good. She looked like it was important."

And that was all. No biting remark, no feigned sweetness or sarcasm resounding in her voice. Nothing but those few words of acknowledgement and – was that _approval_?

"I take it you'll be staying up late tonight, so if you grow hungry, the dinner is in the fridge. Though I'd recommend not stretching it too much, or you won't be able to learn much anyway. Now if you excuse _me_ , I need to pick up Rika from her friend's place."

And with that she left him, adding no more to the most astonishing talk they had ever had.

And to think that he considered Chihaya unpredictable.

* * *

Now, as he sat by his school desk five days later, the thoughts of his conversation with Chihaya came back to him, making focusing on his literature class even more challenging than it already was.

He couldn't even tell what it was that had brought them to his mind this time or why it was now that they'd reappeared. He had done a pretty good job _not thinking_ about the subject so far, barring the intrusive memories by simply shifting his attention to the more pressing tasks, such as the assignment he was expected to hand in at the end of this very class. After all, even with his time split between the regular lessons at school and his own studying at home, as well as the not so rare meetings at the cram school, he still was no less determined to maintain the strange arrangement with Master Suo who for some reason had decided that he wished to practice with him now.

He could hardly point out the moments when he could just physically _rest_ – he simply hadn't had enough energy left to indulge himself with idle thinking, regardless of how crucial the subject was.

And yet, somehow, he still felt more relaxed than he had in _months_.

Perhaps it wasn't the workload that had exhausted him so, but the imbalance and intensity of it that were so characteristic of his previous endeavours, together with the reasons that had made him push himself so hard in the first place.

Earlier, he'd worked to take his mind off Chihaya and the pain she'd unintentionally caused him – now, no longer scared, he couldn't have found the time to think of her if he'd tried to.

Maybe he really should have just focused on his own needs more.

And yet, the memories _had_ come back eventually. Not in the intrusive, menacing way he was so used to, one that made him want to turn his brain off for good and run away promptly. No, the thoughts that came to him now were _gentle_ , resemblant of hints and leads and not proclamations and claims. If anything, they were like kind, patient acquaintances that awaited their turn quietly, instead of barging into his house whenever they felt like it in the way his good friends would have.

Which, compared to what his relationship with Chihaya had always been, really was quite ironic.

He let out a long sigh of relief upon hearing the bell go off at last and rose from his seat eagerly. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so willing to leave the classroom – even at the lessons as trying as the ones conducted by Fukusaku Tokiji, Taichi was usually able to find the minimum amount of interest necessary to get him through the period in relatively good spirits. The only instances when he really had been itching to leave the room were when he'd had a club meeting to attend; those however, were well in the past now.

The fact of which Taichi was painfully aware, and yet could not bring himself to abhor.

The decision he'd made was the only one he could have made. He was not going to let himself regret it.

Still, he _did_ miss it. Not just his encounters with Chihaya, but with all of his friends that had helped them build the now famous team. Sure, he still had Komano as his classmate and the two of them talked no less than before Taichi had left the club, and perhaps even _more_ frequently. A lot of those conversations were started by Komano, too, as if the usually reticent boy had considered it his duty to maintain and protect their relationship after the natural territory of karuta had been lost to them.

Taichi saw the effort and appreciated it wholeheartedly. Even if it was planned, even if it might have been deemed calculated as well. To anyone else it might have seemed forced or downright _fake_ \- and yet, _he_ knew that there was nothing but sincerity and concern behind Komano’s actions and words, the succinctness of it simply mirroring his friend’s way of being.

He could feel nothing but gratitude for it.

He also felt grateful to Nishida who, despite being in a different class, always made sure to stop and chat with him whenever an opportunity arose. It wasn’t uncommon for him to join him for lunch, either, always urging Komano to do the same, deaf to any objections either of the others might have. Clearly unaware of the reasons behind his retirement, he never wasted his strength trying to avoid the subject of the club, updating him on his fellow members' shenanigans as if he'd been talking about the weather.

That kind of behaviour had earned him more than a few meaningful looks on Komano’s part; and yet, his behaviour had not changed one bit in result.

It was a nice change of pace when compared to the other boy who - of that Taichi had no doubt - had at least a vague idea of the situation that had caused his leave.

Oe was not in his class, but he still met and talked with her occasionally, though contrary to his male friends, she seemed much more guarded – but then again, he was sure that _she_ knew _exactly_ why he'd left their club. Considering all of the support she had shown to his case so far (as well as her gentle nature in general), it was only natural that she’d empathise with him more; it was not surprising to see her act a little awkward about it, either.

Even if she hadn’t known all the details, she certainly was smart enough to figure out a great deal of it herself.

Hanano had known all along, of course.

Tsukuba appeared to be even more clueless than Nishida.

They all talked to him; and yet, as determined as they seemed to keep him in their lives, talking was all they could have done. And after everything they'd been through together, talking just didn't seem enough.

He walked over to the teacher's desk and handed in the essay, before turning away from the older man as soon as he could without seeming impolite. Lost in his thoughts, he marched toward the exit, missing the concerned look the latter had bestowed on him as well as the curious glances his classmates had been giving him for much longer than just today. He _did_ hear his name spoken quietly, almost conspiratorially, but paid it no mind anyway.

He'd had people talk about him for years now; there was no reason why he should trouble himself with it now.

The corridor he had entered was empty, much more so that one might have expected at this time of the day. True, the literature class he'd just finished was the last of his lessons, and he was well aware that there were students that had finished theirs at least an hour earlier – yet, even considering that everyone was pretty much dying to leave the building to enjoy the late spring weather outside, it still was surprising to see the hall deserted like this.

Oh, well. The fewer people there were, the less chance he had of accidentally walking into someone, which, given his current state of mind, would not have been at all unlikely otherwise.

"Ouch!"

Taichi started and stopped, realising a split second too late that he had, indeed, walked into someone.

And not just _anyone_ , it seemed.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going," he heard the girl in front of him apologise hastily. His eyes grew bigger with surprise as he saw her abashment, and his guilt did the same, but he still missed his chance to reassure her as she went on, "I hope I didn't hurt you or-"

She trailed off as soon as she looked up and recognised him. As Taichi gazed at her, it became clear that his initial astonishment was _nothing_ compared to the shock she felt, and not only thanks to the expression she was now wearing. Slightly abashed, he gave her an awkward, lopsided smile – however, she once again beat him to an answer.

"Mashima-senpai?!"

Suddenly all he wanted to do was to burst into a laugh.

"Yes, well, that would be me," he admitted somewhat sheepishly, as he harnessed all of his will not to give in to the silly cheerfulness that had overcome him, if only in order not to make Hanano feel any more uncomfortable. "Also, I think I should be the one apologising. I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings, either."

"In that case, we're even," she replied, her cheeks still a little pink from the embarrassment. "Where both are at fault, it's better to assume that neither is."

Taichi couldn't help but blink at her answer.

"That's... pretty profound, you know," he remarked, impressed. "Perhaps a bit _too_ profound for a situation like this, but I won't hold that against you. Thank you for your understanding."

"It's nothing. But are you well, senpai? I've never seen you bump into someone like this. Is everything alright?"

The stunned look in her eyes was now replaced by that of concern, as she watched him carefully, as if trying to figure out the reason of his absent-mindedness before he gave her his own account. Not for the first time, Taichi noted that she was also trying hard to be discreet, limiting herself to generic questions and little glances, even though it was obvious that her mind was reeling with questions she wished to ask.

She had been like that ever since his confession to Chihaya, even though she had known it was coming and then learnt the outcome. She was the only one he'd told about this – the only one with whom he'd made sure to be open, despite the toll it had taken on him. It was only fair that he had, what with the support she had given him regardless of her own affection.

She had admitted her feelings to him when she'd known they wouldn't be returned and then encouraged him to do the same to the girl he loved in turn. She had been _honest_ and she had been _brave._ She had shouted her confession for all of his class to hear, ready for the rejection of which she knew it was coming, because she knew it was the only way the two of them could leave the vicious cycle they'd locked themselves in.

If it weren't for her, he doubted he'd ever had found the guts to proceed with his plan, and surely not as soon as he had.

Even considering the disastrous end of the whole ordeal, he couldn't feel anything but thankful towards her.

And it hadn't changed afterwards. Every time they saw each other she had a smile ready for him, though hardly a word followed. She certainly kept her distance; however, there had never been any hostility in the way she looked at him, no grudge or falsehood that he could see behind the small grins. Just like Chihaya, she had given him a wide berth - and yet, so unlike with the latter, he'd always felt like the gap could be crossed if only they so chose.

In fact, Taichi was certain that the only reason why that hadn't happened yet was the fact that she felt she wasn't _supposed to_ cross it. Like she thought it would be wrong to get close to him now when the main obstacle had been moved out of the way. Like it would be inappropriate to try to win him over when the pain he felt was still so very fresh.

As if the very idea of taking advantage of the situation was repulsive to her.

She really was much more considerate that she gave herself credit for.

"I'm fine, don't worry," he said eventually, making sure his reassurance was backed up with another soft smile. "It's been a pretty long week for me, with classes and cram school, and studying in general. A fairly busy one, too."

"You look as if it's been more than just this week that was long," Hanano corrected him hesitantly. "Are you sure you're not pushing yourself too hard again, senpai?"

"You may be right about that first part. But no, I don't think I'm taking it too far, not this time anyway."

"Really?"

"Yes, really," he confirmed warmly. "I know it may be alarming seeing me like this, walking into people and all, but I promise you, I'm fine. I was just lost in thoughts."

Hanano seemed to assess his explanation in her head for a while.

"If you say so," she admitted hesitantly and nodded.

Taichi's smile grew a little wider. "I do. So how about we let that go and instead you tell me how _you've_ been doing?"

The hesitancy did not disappear from her face; if anything, it grew even more visible, as she tightened her grip on her books and looked away, somewhat puzzled. Taichi used the opportunity to have a good look at her on his part, wondering if there was anything _he_ should be worried about in regard to _her_ well-being, searching for a sign of distress that he might have missed before. It was more than probable, after all.

If her feelings for him run even half as deep as his love for Chihaya did...

The few short moments between his question and her answer were enough to convince him that his unease was ungrounded after all. Hanano might have seemed a little uncertain still, but she didn't seem miserable in any way. The feeling of relief washed over him like a wave when he realised the extent of his previous worry as well as the incorrectness of it. After all, the last thing he needed - the last thing he _wanted_ \- was to have someone else live through the same suffering he experienced, just because he was too blind or self-centred to notice.

No, she really was fine.

_Thank God for that._

"I'm alright," Hanano said clearly and simply, certifying his assumption as she looked up at him again. "The teachers haven't been giving us too much work so far, so I suppose it's easier for me in that field. Even though I'm sure that will change as soon as they realise that _our_ exams aren't as far away as it seems, even in comparison to yours," she added with the weakest of chuckles.

"Oh, yes. It's really no fun when they do," Taichi agreed cheerfully. "Though I don't think you need trouble yourself with that for some time now. I can only judge by the way they're working with us third-years, but they really do act as if our education was the only thing that mattered. Might be a while before they remember they have other students in need of attention as well."

"Was it the same last year?"

"Oh, for sure. I think it wasn't until summer exams that they made that discovery, and even then it only included the students with poorer grades."

"Like Ayase-senpai?"

Taichi's smile withered for a second, before he remembered to bring it on again.

"Yes," he said. "Just like her."

A look of discomfort reflected on Hanano's face. She shifted her gaze away from him again, blushing slightly, and bit her lip in what could only have been described as a nervous reflex. Not at all pleased with himself, Taichi reached out to put a hand on her shoulder; however, all Hanano did was wave at him dismissively.

Confused, he pulled back instinctively.

_How_ was she more disturbed than he was?

"I'm sorry for bringing that up," he heard her apologise for the second time that afternoon, and just as needlessly. "She was just the first person that came to mind. I remember someone at the club saying that the Empress once forbade her from going to a tournament because of the exams and instead made her revise the material with Komano-senpai. But then Ayase-senpai ran away to cheer you on and... Oh, no. I'm making it _worse_ , aren't I?"

Her skin was flushing bright red now as she groaned with annoyance. Watching her, Taichi was confident that the only reason why she hadn't hid her face behind her hands yet was because her arms were still occupied holding books. That didn't stop her knuckles from turning white, however; and that was enough to prompt Taichi to speak up at last.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," he said firmly, hoping that the tone of his voice would be enough to convince her about his sincerity. "It was a natural connection to make, you don't need to apologise for coming up with one."

"Yes, but-"

"Hanano-san," he cut her off. "Just because things didn't work out between Chihaya and me doesn't mean you can't say her name in my presence. I'm not _that_ vulnerable. No need to walk on eggshells around me."

"I - alright. I won't," she agreed.

"Good," Taichi replied. "I don't want you stressing out about my problems. Also, I think it's actually easier with people acting normal, you know? Otherwise I just feel like I should be thinking about it, too and that's just... Well, it kind of hurts _more_ that way."

Hanano opened her mouth to reply, but was then interrupted by the buzzing of her phone. Changing her grasp on the books so that she could hold them with one arm, she reached for the device - and then she froze, seeing who it was that was calling her.

Taichi's curiosity grew together with his anxiety. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes! Yes. I mean, I must go, Oe-senpai is calling me and she wouldn't do that if I weren't already - LATE!" she answered in a series of cries. "It's so _late_! The first years must be all at the clubroom already, and I still need to stop by the teachers' room before going there. Now I won't make it on time!"

She opened her phone only to reject the call and then thrust it into her bag rapidly.

"Mashima-senpai, please excuse me," she concluded hastily. "But I can't stay any longer. I'm glad we could talk. Good luck with your studies!"

And with that she was off, dashing towards the nearest staircase and to the teachers' room she'd spoken about. Still slightly dazed, Taichi watched after her for a while, until he remembered that he, too, had no time to spend on aimless dawdling. So he shook his head and set off towards the exit of the school himself, his mind as full of ideas as it had been before he and Hanano had met, if not more so.

Small wonder that he forgot that it was the library he was supposed to go to.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

"Unbelievable," he mumbled under his breath as he tossed his school bag onto his bed after checking the insides of it for what might as well have been a dozenth time. "This is _unbelievable_. Mashima Taichi, you fool, you idiot, you absolute moron. _How_ could you have let that happen?"

His words resonated in his room, clean and empty as it always was, with the exception of the few notebooks that now lay spread over his bed after he'd taken them out in his search. Annoyed with himself, Taichi stomped towards his desk, though for what reason, he couldn't really tell.

Perhaps he felt it would be less lazy to sink on a chair than it was to throw himself on the bed helplessly, like he so wished to.

That, or the floor.

There really wasn't much difference in his eyes.

"All of my plans for the evening got thrown off because I forgot to borrow a book from the library," he groaned wearily, his head tilting back as he took his seat and sighed deeply. "An entire studying schedule demolished because I lost my focus. And why? Because I bumped into a girl and talked to her! Good Lord, what am I? _Seven_?"

Voicing his thoughts did no good to his spirits. Another angry groan left his throat as he watched the ceiling, his gaze fixed on it with the intensity entirely unsuitable for the situation, as if he'd been trying to remember the positions of every single stroke of brush that could be discerned, in the same way he memorised the positions of the cards. Of course, the unintended (yet so very natural) connotation made the matters even _worse_ – and so as soon as Taichi realised it, he had no choice but to stop what had prompted it.

It was a miracle that he didn't get a bump from how hard his forehead hit the table.

Man, was he glad that his parents _were_ out of the house this time.

"It would have been bad enough if it had been about a girl I actually _like_ ," he moaned, his disgust with himself only growing with each breath that he took. "Though then again, _that_ girl has been pretty much avoiding me. And I've been avoiding _her_. Gosh, what a _mess_ this has become."

Almost on their own volition, his arms moved to cover his head, his fingers digging into his hair violently. This was so _stupid_ , all of it – the pit he had thrown himself in the moment he'd first thought that he might have a chance with Chihaya, instead of giving up as soon as Arata had appeared; the rashness he'd shown, acting on his wounded pride and shutting her out because it had been too difficult to talk to her now.

All that had happened in between, as he'd dug the pit deeper and deeper with every moment of naivety, when he'd chosen to believe that not all hope was lost and that, if nothing else, then time at least would be his ally. That even if his personality wasn't entirely adequate, then maybe his patience and hard work would be enough to even the score.

All the chances he'd missed, all the chances he'd imagined.

All those months and years of decisions that couldn't have been deemed right by anyone but the desperate blockhead he himself had been.

The desperate blockhead that he still _was_.

His fists clenched.

Wasn't it supposed to get _better_ after he and Chihaya had talked? And _why_ was he even thinking of Chihaya in the first place?

_Stupid really isn't strong enough a word for me_ , he thought resignedly, holding back yet another groan that was threatening to leave his throat and went for a soft, lingering sigh instead. _And to think I believed that chapter was closed._

It looked like _naive_ was not telling enough, either.

Well, it wasn't as if he truly had thought that his problem was solved. He knew that it couldn't be, not entirely, for as long as his affection for Chihaya still burned in his heart. After all, the only other way would be if she responded in kind – but at least in that regard, Taichi was well aware of the infeasibility of it happening.

He _had to_ move on, to get over his feelings for her and to do it for good. To work through the pain and disappointment, to fight the resentment he never wished to experience but that still found its way to his heart and mind occasionally, of which this situation was a perfect example. He had to take that road, cross that threshold and step on the path towards healing and emotional independence that he so needed now.

To try and find his own worth outside of his relationship with her, for only then would he be allowed to become her friend once more. When he was finally free of the risk of falling for her all over again, when there was no chance of hurting her, or himself, in the process.

Perhaps he might even be able to rebuild his bond with Arata then.

_Then_. And not a day sooner.

He knew that. He understood that. He felt that the choice he had made, the plan he had come up with was a good one, if only he could find the strength necessary to see it through to the end, and therefore, it was one he should not hesitate to act on.

Then why...

"Then why is it so hard to stay away from her?"

Even if someone had been in the room with him, they would not have been able to make out the words he'd spoken, so quiet and muffled they were. And yet, they still appeared to ring in his soul with an intensity and loudness of an air crash, all the more so for the pounding of his heart and the blood that suddenly seemed to be boiling.

It hurt.

It hurt so awfully much.

And he still couldn't find the strength to deal with it properly, no matter how many rational arguments he summoned in the hopes of gaining it.

A small, mirthless laugh escaped his lips as he remembered that it was only a few moments earlier that he was berating himself for losing his head over a meeting with a girl, almost blaming the encounter for his forgetting his library plans.

Idiot.

He'd lost his head a long time ago, and Hanano Sumire had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Taichi still couldn't tell for sure why it was today that his mind decided to take down its defences and allow the thoughts of Chihaya to enter it so freely, much against Taichi's own will, but certainly thanks to his own inattentiveness. Was it because he'd caught a sight of her during the lunch break? He'd seen her often enough before that, and often for much longer than today; there was no reason why it should suddenly bother him now.

Was it the way she reacted to Komano approaching her, then, with enthusiasm and joy and not the reserve she showed whenever he, Taichi, as much as met her gaze? It only made sense that she did! She had a good, easy relationship with Komano. He was her friend and her fellow club member, and one who definitely didn't have the slightest romantic interest in her – so why should she act any differently around him, even if another of her friendships had come to an end?

Why, did he expect her to distance herself from everyone only because she had distanced himself from him?

Now _that_ would have been a pitiful move.

Besides, could he really have said that Chihaya had distanced herself from him? Was she really avoiding him, or pushing him away, like his angry whining might suggest, and not just trying not to get into his way needlessly? She was giving him space, not because she didn't wish to be with him, but because she thought that was what he needed. That this was what he wished for, what he expected of her.

At least, that was what he ardently hoped for.

And assuming that this really was what she believed, she wasn't entirely wrong, either. After all, it was exactly what Taichi's own strategy was all about: to separate himself from her until he was ready to face her without consequence. To concentrate on his own goals, instead of pursuing those chosen by her.

Not being a coward wasn't enough. He needed to become his own person as well, with motivations that went further than attuning to his parents' or Chihaya's, or anyone else's vision of him. And he _wanted_ that, too! He wanted to play karuta because it excited him, and not as a way of proving himself worthy of Chihaya's heart. He wanted to think of the medical school as a way to pursue his own dream – to think of the career of the physician as more than just a respectable, well-paid job, but as one that might allow him to help those in need.

He wanted to embrace his parents' dream and make it his own. He wished to take the enthusiasm for karuta that his friends and teachers had planted in him and cultivate in the way and to the purpose that was solely and entirely his.

He was tired of pretending and just wanted to stop.

Perhaps his confession to Chihaya was the first time he had actually allowed himself to.

One thought led to another and before he knew it, the gloominess in his soul became overtaken by determination and faith. Unaware of what he was doing, with every desire he expressed, he fed his subconscious resolve, to the point where it was no longer unrealised, coming closer and closer to the moment when he could successfully fight for it. With this kind of base prepared, the more reasonable part of his brain was able to kick in as well; the ideas and projects for himself becoming less and less the vague dreams that they seemed at first and more the tangible targets he should be aiming for.

It wasn't the end; it wasn't a final solution, a definite finale to his struggle. The road before him was long and steep, and no doubt full of obstacles and pits he was still bound to fall into.

But he could worry about that later.

For now, he needed to focus on what he _could_ do. To work hard in the fields he'd chosen for himself instead of wasting his energy trying to chase away the emotions he could not control anyway.

To accept the hot mess that he was and build up the patience necessary to wait it out, while at the same time making sure that he would not be waiting passively.

He felt adrenaline rush through his body again, a feeling as unexpected as it was welcome. He straightened up and inhaled deeply; he looked around the room, thinking intensely of what else he could busy himself with. As usual, the set of karuta cards came into his view first, though as usual, it was disregarded quickly. Not because he couldn't stand the look of it – that period was indeed behind him now, thanks to both Master Suo's help and (though of that part Taichi was not fully aware) the conversation he and Chihaya had had the other week – but because it simply didn't make sense according to the schedule he'd already made.

Thursdays simply weren’t practice days this year.

Fearing that the newfound dedication might leave him, he rose up from his chair and walked over to the bookshelf on which all of his materials for the cram school were, only to remember that there wasn't much to do for it beyond the homework he'd already done. Not at all discouraged, he turned around and shifted his gaze to his bed and the textbooks that still covered it.

The thick classical literature one lay prominently on top.

Still resolute to make the most of his studies, Taichi did a quick calculation, trying to figure out how great were the chances of a test happening in the near future. It was a tricky question, for sure – everyone knew how irregular Fukasaku-sensei's testing schedule was and how much it depended on his personal whims – but even so, it wasn't unreasonable to expect one to happen soon.

And even if not, the midterms were certainly close enough to justify his choice for tonight.

And so he picked up the book and sat down by his desk, determined not to waste another minute on idle thinking that would only sour his mood further. He _had_ made progress, regardless of what his treacherous brain might have been telling him just now. He _had_ come up with a plan, and with a good one too, if only he could remain strong enough to go through with it without questioning his own decisions every other moment. It didn't matter that it was hard, and that he still would fail and waver at times, as long as he could keep the final goal before his eyes and find the motivation to work to achieve it.

He _would_ make it happen, however long it was going to take.


	3. Chapter 3

It was the first Thursday of May when Chihaya ran to Taichi’s cram school to deliver her speech.

It was the second Tuesday when the thoughts of her reappeared, making him walk into Hanano and then forget to visit the library.

It was the second Friday of May now.

And things were not going well.

_Excuses again_ , he scolded himself for what must have been a thousandth time in the course of the past week as he entered his classroom after the lunch break. _You know what you're supposed to be doing, you're just too lazy to execute it. So snap out of it and stop whining, or all of this work will have been for nothing._

He made his way towards his seat, which this semester happened to be at the very back of the classroom. Never the one to try and escape his teacher’s attention, he was grateful for the arrangement this time, as it at least meant fewer people actively watching the change in his posture and the inattentiveness he succumbed to so easily these days. The fact that Komano was seated on the exact other side was unfortunate of course; but then again, Taichi certainly felt safer without his former club mate observing him in such a close proximity.

Though on the other hand, the additional supervision might have been helpful in getting him to focus again.

_Just stay concentrated on the lesson and it will be fine_ , he told himself, taking out his notebook and pencil. _It's science, so it shouldn't be too difficult, since that's actually connected to med school. Plus, nobody in their right mind would try to zone out in Taeko-sensei's class._

Fortunately for Taichi, it was that very moment when his teacher chose to enter the classroom, effectively calling his attention before he succumbed to the musing of a certain fair-haired girl he knew that _did_ dare to space out. A tail of tardy students was following right behind her – their shouts and laughter still loud despite the time and closeness to the presumably severe teacher. He saw Taeko turn around and glare at them, but all it did was cause another chuckle from the students, answered in turn by Taeko's sigh and an impatient wave of her hand.

Just what might have been expected from the members of the tennis club and their long-time advisor and coach.

Taichi couldn't help but smile at the sight.

It really wasn't far off from what her relationship with the karuta club was right now.

The commotion they all made upon coming was neither particularly grand or exceptional, yet just as the new seat arrangement, it certainly brought some peace into Taichi's mind. The more was happening around him, the smaller was the chance of anyone paying attention to him – and seeing how easily he switched from one mood to another these days, having people ignoring him was the best he could hope for.

Just imagine his classmates seeing him – him, Mashima Taichi, the always cool and composed top student in their year! – murmuring to himself angrily, or banging his head against the desk like he'd done at home!

He might have been done pretending, but it certainly didn't mean he felt like making a spectacle of himself.

Still, it looked like he was safe now. Even after the initial commotion had quieted down and the lesson commenced, there was nothing that might bring unwanted interest to him. He followed his teacher's orders; he listened to his classmates' questions and answers and replied succinctly whenever he himself was asked. He made notes, marked the important parts, wrote down the list of his homework tasks. There was nothing extraordinary about his behaviour or the lesson itself, save perhaps for the few instances of Taeko-sensei glaring and reprimanding which, in all honesty, had pretty much become a tradition by now.

And if Taichi felt that she was watching _him_ more closely than the rest of the class, then well, there was nothing he could do about it.

The rest of the day seemed to go by the same formula. The English class was uneventful; Maths bordered on dull. His classmates were cheerful and noisy, though somehow managing not to go too far, to the point where their teachers only raised their voices when reminding them of how close the exams were and how important it was for them to make studying their priority now, as if they hadn't been hearing that phrase for more than a month now.

Even the PE lesson somehow managed to end without anything worth speaking of happening, despite the third-years being nearly notorious in regards to various accidents happening during that particular class.

Well, he had recently experienced enough drama to last him a lifetime; he certainly wasn't going to complain about having some peace around.

Now, back in his uniform, Taichi was finally free to leave the school grounds, only to remember that he was supposed to stop by the teacher's room to pick up some science-oriented magazines from Taeko-sensei.

_"For future reference,"_ she had said when she'd caught him going to the gym, though what exactly she'd meant, Taichi was not sure. He hardly understood why she should wait all that time instead of simply letting him know after their own lesson, either, but chose not to think too much about it. She was clearly trying to help – even if it was her concern for him that sparked it, who was he to reject the offer she'd made?

At this point in time, he was ready to accept all academic aid that was offered to him.

And so he turned around and changed his aim, walking briskly towards the main building, with every intention of taking care of this current business as swiftly and straightforwardly as possible. After all, Fridays were one of his busiest days, especially now that it meant adding practice with Master Suo to his already lengthy cram school hours – not that he was complaining about that particular exercise – and therefore, every quarter seemed to be of significance to him.

He was grateful for the workload; still, there was only so much he could pack into his schedule at this point.

Funny how he'd once believed he'd have more time for himself after leaving the club.

Although, now that he thought of it, he _did_. In a way, at least. Not only because focusing on his grades and exams rather than tournaments was seen as a wise way of investing in his own, personal future, but because he was finally starting to feel like it was something he himself had _chosen_ to commit to. The bright vision also seemed to appear a little more real every time he turned his thoughts to it – a little more desirable – a little more worthwhile.

For the sake of clarity: he wasn't suddenly overjoyed by the prospect of doing so. He hadn't miraculously found his vocation, nor had he changed his views on it overnight. He was well aware that the choice had never really been his, that the most probable reason why he had come to accept it was the way his parents had planned it over the years. Their never-ending talks, the way they would always brag about his achievements to their friends and family, never failing to mention the bright career that clearly was the only possible one they foresaw for him.

And for the longest time, Taichi had been perfectly fine with that. He knew that it was more than ambition that made his parents wish for that particular path for him, that this was their way of looking out for him, as imperfect as it certainly was. He didn't hate the idea either and with time, he'd even begun to think of it as satisfying.

One could say he'd resigned himself to it.

He was content enough about it.

Not every man's job must be his passion, after all.

And yet, the past weeks, and especially his most recent breakdown had got him thinking. It wasn't even that he was suddenly having second thoughts, or that he was seriously considering giving up on the medical school. He'd met enough doctors in his life (Dr. Harada being a prime, albeit eccentric, example) to know that one could be a good one without necessarily dreaming of it since they learned how to walk. He'd seen devotees, ready to sacrifice their sleep and family life in order to serve their community; he'd come across ones that looked like they were bored by their patients' visits while in truth they were simply awaiting a nice evening spent in the company of their wives.

Of course, he had also met those who clearly hated their job, and only stuck around because the pay-check was high enough – those, however, hadn't yet managed to shake his confidence effectively.

So yes, that part hadn't changed. He was still going to attend the cram school and he definitely _wasn't_ going to take it easy while preparing for his exams. The alteration wasn't in his goal.

Just like his struggle for bravery, however, the goal itself no longer seemed to suffice.

It seemed empty instead.

Was it really surprising that he wished to fill it up?

The main entrance finally came into his view, bringing Taichi's attention to his surroundings once more, as well as the task he was fulfilling. Shaking his head vigorously as if to get rid of the remaining traces of his daydream, he picked up his pace, remembering his earlier resolution not to waste his time unnecessarily.

_Focus, Taichi_ , he commanded himself. _Get the materials. Go to the cram school. Meet Master Suo and then go home._ _ **Study**_ _._

And then you may think of why you're actually doing it.

He had almost reached the door when he was suddenly stopped mid-step, as he heard someone call out to him. Taken aback, he turned around instinctively, only to be surprised even further by the sight of Oe Kanade sprinting towards him. The encounter would have been unexpected enough if she had been walking peacefully; now, with the speed she had approached him with as well as the heavy volumes he noticed in her arms, it was downright astonishing.

Really, what was it with his schoolmates constantly carrying their books in their hands and not inside their bags?

"Ma-shi-ma-SAN!" she cried out as soon as she came near him, her breath ragged and her voice raspy. "I'm so happy you heard me, I thought that you wouldn't!"

A thought of game sense and hearing appeared in his mind, but Taichi chose to disregard it.

"You weren't that far off, I'm sure you'd catch up to me even if I hadn't," he replied instead, a small though sincere smile showing on his face. "I'm still glad that I did. And I'm very glad to see you again, too."

Kanade returned the smile, even though it was clear she had yet to calm down completely. "So am I. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

Taichi's response came in the form of a soft hum and a gentle nod of his head. Curious as well as delighted with this sudden encounter, he eyed his friend for a while, half expecting a question or a news to be thrown at him as soon as she regained some control over her respiratory system. She _had_ seemed rather determined to get to him – the only rational conclusion was that there was something specific that she wanted to talk to him about.

No words came however, and (of that Taichi was sure) it was not only due to his companion's condition.

"Do you need help with these?" he asked eventually, his eyes stopping at the thick books she was holding again, determined to maintain the conversation, even if only for a short while. Noticing the school bag Kanade was carrying with her as well, he could only feel glad he had proposed his aid. "They look pretty heavy to me. I'm going inside, I can come with you and deliver them wherever you need me to."

In an instant, Kanade's eyes were on him again.

"No!" she exclaimed, unexpectedly, and one might say, much too zealously.

Taichi couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at her.

"No?"

"No. I mean – I mean, no, thank you. I'll manage to do it on my own," she explained hurriedly, clearly aware of the little blunder she'd made. "I appreciate the offer, of course, but if you could just hold the door for me, it would be more than enough."

"No need to ask for that," Taichi muttered in response. His lips were still curled up in a smile, the amusement caused by her actions still surpassing the concern that appeared in his mind as soon as he fully comprehended her reaction. Yet, he was concerned. Not worried, not distressed.

But he certainly wished to know why she reacted the way she did and whether it had anything to do with him, as he supposed it did.

Maybe he was becoming paranoid but heck, did he wish people had stopped worrying so much about what they were saying in his presence.

_It kind of hurts_ _ **more**_ _that way._

He opened the door for her in what he hoped was a nonchalant, casual way. Kana stepped over the threshold eagerly, a grateful expression taking place of the abashment that could have been seen on her countenance earlier. Taichi followed right behind.

"Thank you for that. I'd stay to chat but I really need to get to the library before the practice starts," the girl said apologetically as soon as their eyes met again.

"Everyone seems to be in a rush these days," Taichi replied simply, recalling his last meeting with another karuta club member. "I was actually wondering why you were going this way though, when the clubroom is in the exact opposite direction. This kind of explains it, I suppose. Though then again..."

"Yes?"

"Why run to it now instead of simply coming after the practice is done? It's not like you'll be playing until _after_ the library is closed, is it?"

He expected her to be surprised by the question. He thought she'd look away and fix her eyes on the floor or that she at least would tighten her grip on the books sheepishly, in the same fashion Hanano had done last week. Given her earlier exclamations, Taichi felt like his assumptions were well-grounded – and yet, like so many times before, he turned out to be completely, perfectly wrong.

For Kanade didn't turn away.

"I need to give those to Chihaya-chan," she said simply instead, indicating the volumes she held.

It was such a plain thing to say and yet, Taichi couldn't help but think that she'd needed to harness all of her strength to utter that supposedly banal statement.

His eyes widened when he realised the full implication of her words. The rush she'd been in; the clear, heavy suggestion that became apparent the moment it was combined with what she'd just said. The possibility – the _idea_ – that had entered his mind and would have given explanation to everything if only he had dared to accept it, but at the same time, one that was just too ridiculous to be taken for anything more than just another product of his overly active imagination.

He really needed to pull himself together.

"The way you say it, someone might think she was skipping practice for studying," he replied a bit hastily, forcing a cheerful, almost playful tone once more. "You’ve only just said that there _is_ practice today, haven’t you?”

Kanade nodded.

"Then why run all the way to the library now instead of just waiting for her in the clubroom?"

_Now_ she looked away from him. However, it still wasn't anything like his encounter with Hanano had gone. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't charged with energy. Kana wasn't stumbling over her words the way their younger friend had, simply because she wasn't speaking at all – and the more time had passed, the heavier and more uncomfortable the silence became.

It was unsettling, though why exactly, he couldn't yet know.

After all, it wasn't like his stupid guess from a moment ago could have been anywhere near being true, was it?

"You don't know, do you, Prez?" he heard her ask quietly, the old nickname slipping in regardless of her will. Still, as focused as he was on her words, Taichi hardly paid any attention to it, either. "She didn't tell you?"

Once again, he froze in his place.

_Was_ he right?

"Tell me what?" he answered with a question of his own, intentionally ignoring the absolutely incomprehensible quickening of his pulse. "What is it that I don't know again?"

She didn't say a word. A second passed, then another, and one more. Those few seconds then became one full moment, turning into a long or even lengthy while, and even then, Taichi still had not received a reply to his inquiry, regardless of the intensity with which he was boring into his companion's face. He saw a glint of hesitation flashing in her eye, a barely perceptible quivering of her lip. An almost non-existent twitch of her head, as if she had wanted to turn towards him again, but changed her mind before she could act on it.

Not a word, however. Not a sound.

Just what possibly could she have to say that it might cause such reluctance on her part?

"Chihaya-chan has left the club," she said eventually; Taichi felt the air leave his lungs from the shock, the occurrence probably being the only reason why he didn't interrupt her on the spot. "Two or three weeks ago, she resigned. She said that she needed to focus on her grades more this year and that she couldn't reconcile studying and karuta practice at the same time; not for now, anyway. Nishida-kun and Komano-kun were so shocked, they tried to convince her to stay, but she just wouldn't listen. Even when we offered to help her study, even after Takeo-sensei interfered... Chihaya-chan would not give up."

She made a short pause, as if she was remembering something – or rather as if she was wondering whether or not she should voice the next thought that came to her mind. If Taichi had enough comprehension left in his paralysed brain, he would have seen the indecision in her eyes intensify, and maybe even urged her to speak up with a gaze of his own.

Being as he was now, however, he could do little more than stare.

"She did _what_?" he managed to stammer eventually. "No, wait, I must've misunderstood. Or did you really just say that Chihaya had _left the karuta club_?”

The look Kanade gave him was as sad as it was understanding.


	4. Chapter 4

So it was true.

He hadn't misheard her.

Just...

"What on earth?" he asked no one in particular, his eyes raised to the sky and his hand pressed against his forehead. " _How_ could she do that? Why would she? And now, when it's her last chance to participate in the school tournaments, when she was so determined to compete with the Queen for the title... Just _what_ is that idiot thinking?"

He inhaled deeply, trying to think of anything that might have been the cause of Chihaya's decision. Again, if he'd been his normal self, he would have solved that riddle in an instant – now, however, his mind was blank, all rational thought shoved away by the astonishment that had fallen upon him just now.

Life was just becoming too easy, wasn't it?

"Are you sure she meant it?" he turned back to Kana again after a short while. "You said it was because of her studying, but I really can't imagine Chihaya changing her priorities like that. Not for good, anyway."

"I know it seems absurd but she _was_ serious about it. In fact, I don't think I have ever seen her so determined in my life, as difficult as it is to imagine," the girl in front of him answered dejectedly. "She kept reassuring us that she still loved karuta and that she would always come back to playing it. She made us promise that we would still work hard during her absence and then in turn she swore that she would always be there for us, whenever we might need help or advice, or even just someone to encourage us when things will seem too hard. But even with all that, she wouldn't let us convince her that her being our Captain – or even just a regular member of the club – had always been of more meaning than any advice she might give us. She just wouldn't budge.

"And we all knew that she had every right to do so. We know what her academic skills are and that she needs to put more effort than some to just score decently. It's only natural that she might want to shift her focus a little so close to the exams, even if it's not something you would normally expect of her. Only..."

"Only what?" Taichi asked eagerly, even though he felt like he already knew what Kanade was going to say.

"Only that no matter how much she talked about it and how good her arguments were, it still seemed like all of this was an excuse rather than a reason for her to leave."

For once, his intuition was on point.

Because of course it was nothing but an excuse. Even if he still wasn't ready to guess – to admit that he _had_ guessed from the start – the real reason for Chihaya's decision, it was obvious that the justification she had used to explain it was a fake one. Even if he hadn't known all that he did, even if he hadn't known _her_ for as long and as well as he had, there was one thing that he was he was utterly, absolutely sure of:

Ayase Chihaya would never have left the karuta club if her bad grades had been the sole reason for it.

_No way in hell that she would._

And now, he actually did know quite a lot.

On one hand, he felt arrogant believing that it really might have been because of him that she had made up her mind to leave. For so long he'd lived his life convinced that karuta was the one thing Chihaya cherished the most, to the degree where she had prioritised it not only over her duties, but her social life and even relationships, as well. The talk they'd had a little more than a week ago had surely corrected some of his views, however, it still was a week of enlightenment against a lifetime of belief... A lifetime of thinking that she simply couldn't care about him enough to make a sacrifice this grand, especially when it was of no use anyway.

On the other, all the clues he'd got were just too unambiguous to think of it as just a mere coincidence.

Besides, the _useless_ part of it was exactly what made it probable in Chihaya's case.

"Did she say anything else?" he asked wearily at last, channelling all of his determination into this one simple question, much in the same way Kana had while answering his previous one. "When you tried to persuade her to stay, did she respond with anything other than what you just told me about?"

Again, Kanade denied with a firm shake of her head. "No. She just continued to assure us that this was a decision she'd made and that it wasn't a hasty one. She said she knew it was sudden and that for that it might seem rash, but that she really had thought it through... Though when exactly she might have found the time to do that was a mystery. Still, she repeated that, over and over again, until we had no choice but to accept it. She kept apologising, too, for not letting us know in advance."

"Didn't she though?" Taichi wondered out loud. "Were there really no signs that she might be thinking about leaving?" he added somewhat desperately.

"Nothing she would say. She came to the meetings as always until one day, she didn't. Or rather, she did come, only to say that she was resigning."

It was the first time during this conversation when Taichi heard a hint of irritation ringing in Kana's voice in addition to the sadness present in it almost from the start. Or perhaps it wasn't irritation but disappointment that he discerned now? A quiet reproach Chihaya had earned not by handling things poorly, but by refusing to share her troubles with those meant to be her friends?

An edginess that could only have grown so strong because of the care and devotion behind it.

Was this how his former club members felt about him, too, and only chose to hold back so that they wouldn't hurt him further?

Well, even if, it wasn't the time to be worrying about it.

Right now, he needed answers.

As many as he could get.

"This isn't right," he said, his words muffled by his hand that was once again pressed against his face. "And it doesn't make _sense_. There must have been something... Something that would suggest she was preparing to leave. Something in her behaviour or her tone, or... I don't know. But if she really _had_ been thinking about it earlier, like she said she had, then surely, it must've affected her somehow."

His brow furrowed under his fingers, the tips of which he now dug into his skin unwittingly. The cogs in his brain were turning, too, as he tried to imagine Chihaya's conduct during those few meetings that she had attended. There couldn't have been many; there simply hadn't been enough time for it between his own resignation and hers.

And he simply couldn't create a vision in which Chihaya would _not_ act suspiciously.

She had always worn her heart on her sleeve, whether it was excitement or worry or fear that she felt. To think that she would come to practice while considering her retirement and behave casually...

That just didn't match her character at all.

"You're an observant person, Oe-san," he muttered after another moment. He knew she was still watching him and he also supposed that she could easily guess what exactly was going through his mind right now, and therefore, he didn't even try to hide his confusion this time. "If Chihaya behaved any differently than before, as I'm sure she did, you certainly didn't miss it. You've picked up on lesser hints," he added, a weary smiled curling his lips again. "So please, don't hide it from me. Unless it's something she asked you not to tell directly-"

"She didn't say anything like that," Kana interrupted him. "But as I said, she didn't really say _anything_ more than what we've already talked about. She _wouldn't_ talk about it."

"Then please tell me what you _saw_."

Kanade didn't answer him immediately. She looked down again, instead, although this time Taichi noticed that it was neither abashment nor cautiousness that had prompted this little action of hers.

Rather, she appeared thoughtful, as if she'd been trying to recall her own memories from a little less than a month ago, and perhaps to decide which of her observations were actually worth speaking of. He didn't rush her. He didn't tell her to just share everything with him, either, allowing her to pick the parts she deemed valuable and dispose of those she found harmful or futile.

As much as he yearned for all the information he could get, he still had enough reason left in him to understand that he didn't _need_ all of it.

If there was one person that knew what he should hear, it was Kanade.

"I saw her lose her drive," she uttered at last, her eyes still firmly at the ground under her feet. "I saw her come to practice and follow the usual routine with none of the enthusiasm she normally would have shown. I saw her play matches against the first years and nearly lose, because her mind was clearly on other things. They thought she was going easy on them and we let them believe that, but all of the older members knew that she would never do that purposely. And then I heard-"

She stopped short in the middle of the sentence. At this point, Taichi thought his heart would jump out of his chest from the suspense, now only made worse by the barely commenced phrase; but again, he managed to hold himself back, only silently praying that his companion would finish her thought eventually.

After all, she wouldn't have cut herself off like this for some meaningless news.

"I actually heard her say something, too," she chose to finish in the end, a decision for which Taichi was exceedingly grateful. "It wasn't anything she said to me – or to anyone else really – so I probably wasn't supposed to hear it in the first place. In fact, I don't think she even realised that she was saying it out loud, so it feels sort of unfair to focus on it, much less to relay it to you now... But I think you should know!" she exclaimed unexpectedly, raising her gaze to meet Taichi's, her eyes sparkling with resolve. "Maybe I'm wrong and shouldn't tell you after all. Or maybe it doesn't even mean anything and I'm just making a big deal of it unnecessarily. I certainly don't know what Chihaya-chan might have meant, but... but..."

"But maybe I will," Taichi concluded the statement for her. "Is that what you're trying to say?"

Kana nodded firmly.

"Alright. Let's hear it then."

And so she told him. No longer sparing the details, she recalled the one time in the clubroom after the practice was done and the team was getting ready to leave. When they all cleaned and put away the cards and when the first-years showered them with questions, the excitement shining in their eyes as they jumped from one to another, unable to decide whom of their seniors they should ask first and what their inquiry should be about.

She told him how Chihaya had been the only member that had been asked none, simply because she was still kneeling on the mat.

How she had stayed that way for a long while after her match had come to an end, leaning over her cards as if she'd been revising her game, motionless and focused and successfully fooling everyone that this was exactly what she'd been doing. How they let her be, waving a hand at her dismissively at first, deciding to shift their attention to the inquisitive youngsters instead.

And then she told him about the one thing that interested him most. One to which Kana evidently was the only one privy.

"She said that all the cards were black to her," she said straightforwardly. "No, not _said_. More like, she mumbled it under her breath, so quietly that I wasn't even sure at first that I'd heard her correctly. But she repeated it once, and then once more. _They are black to me too, now._ And then I knew I hadn't misheard."

It was Taichi who kept silent now, although unlike Kana, he did not look away while doing so. Quite the opposite: his eyes had not left his friend's face since the moment she'd started her tale, and he surely wasn't going to shift his gaze now. Although she didn't know it, she was an anchor to him now. With her kind, supportive expression, with all the care he knew she had for him, he used her as a pillar now, too, while his mind reeled with images of what Kanade had just described. The implications her story had brought.

The hard truth he didn't think possible and yet one that he had no choice but to accept.

It was all so ridiculous.

Really. It was absurd and wrong, and surreal. It fit perfectly with the rest of the puzzle, the one missing piece that confirmed and added meaning to all the rest, while at the same time it screamed _crazy_ and _unbelievable_ and _nuts_. It was the knowledge she'd shared with him that appeared absolutely ludicrous, and yet he still couldn't think of it as anything but natural. It was insane.

And _he_ didn't feel particularly lucid, either.

He felt like squatting on the ground, or maybe downright falling onto his knees, with his hands buried in his hair as he pondered over the foolishness of it. He didn't know whether he wanted to groan or sigh, or maybe rock with laughter, that due to its obvious mirthlessness would only have been seen as hysterical.

Perhaps Kana had been wrong after all, and had made a mistake by telling him that last part, for as of now, he surely wasn't ready to deal with it.

"Damn it, Chihaya," he grumbled eventually, as he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "All of these years of playing with poems and you still can't come up with your own metaphors. And _you_ want to be a teacher?"

He took a deep breath before lowering his hand and turning sideways, his eyes fixing on the horizon beyond the glass door next to him. He could sense Kana's stare on his countenance, but didn't respond in kind.

"Of all the girls that walk this earth, all the airheads and maniacs and pretty-faces I had to fall for the one who's all three at once," he mused quietly instead. "Of all people I care about, I need to let go of the one that's most difficult to release. The one girl I couldn't forget if I tried."

"Mashima-san," Kanade countered. "I don't think the qualities you've just mentioned have anything to do with it. You don't love Chihaya-chan for her looks, do you? And it's that love that makes it difficult."

"No, you're right, I don't. But all they are a part of who she is," Taichi replied without missing a beat. "All of the qualities I mentioned are. And of course, there are a lot more, too. Still... I feel like it might have been easier if her personality was a little different in those particular aspects, you know?"

"How so?"

"Because then I wouldn't feel like I need to look after her," he said, his eyes shifting to her. "Look, I _know_ she's strong. I _know_ she can take care of herself and doesn't really need me in the way I wished she did. Even with all that, however, I can't help but worry about the times when she _does_ need someone. Even just in high school, there were so many situations when her attitude could have been disastrous, because she couldn't be bothered to consider it from more than one angle, or because she didn't even know that she should.

"It's just... you don't know how difficult it is to stay away from her now," he added in a voice that cracked just a little. "To keep my distance when I see her struggle with something. Only today I had to restrain myself from walking over to her during the lunch break, because she seemed to be terribly under the weather, and I really might have done it if Nishida hadn't got to her first. Even though I know it's not what I should do or what she wants... It's just hard."

The gulp that he took was painful against his tightening throat, but Taichi paid it no mind.

"And it's only going to be worse now that I know about her leaving the club," he continued stubbornly. "Even right now, all I can think of is how I want to run to the library and see her, if only to tell her what I think of that decision of hers. It's stupid, so I won't do it. Still, it won't change the fact that I will want to, and that it won't fade away with time."

"But what does it have to do with Chihaya-chan's character?"

"Only that if I were used to thinking of her as a rational, responsible human being, then maybe stepping aside and letting her live her life wouldn't be this difficult. I wouldn't feel the need to interfere, because I wouldn't be used to doing it. And then it would be easier to reconcile with the fact that I'm not as indispensable as I once thought."

He chanced a glance at her then, a small, sad smile tugging on his lips. He knew what Kanade was going to say next, how she was going to contradict his words; and he didn't mind. After all, the few times when he had actually allowed himself to be vulnerable had always been shared with his (now former) co-members, and it was thanks to them being as helpful and trustworthy as they were.

Yes, that was exactly the word he would use to describe them.

Even with all his fears and all his barriers that he had raised along the years, he still had faith that they would not let him down or reject him, no matter what mistakes he might make.

The only people in the world that made him feel safe.

"Chihaya-chan surely wouldn't say that about you," he heard Kanade answer, much as he'd expected of her. "You are important to her. Even if not in every field, she _does_ need you. And I think you understand that, too. You’d better."

Taichi's smile turned a little warmer.

"I do now," he replied, mindful to emphasise the last word properly. "It wasn't always obvious, but I suppose I'm wiser now, so that's something to be glad about. Even if it still doesn't seem like enough. Maybe it never will."

"But?" Kanade asked. "There's a _but_ coming, isn't there?"

"But it's nothing to be worrying about now," he said, straightening up. "It won't change anything. I know what I must do now, even if it seems nearly impossible at times. Even though it _never_ seems appealing. It's the right thing to do, however, and the only one I am actually certain of at the moment."

The look Kana gave him was sceptical, to say the least. "And by the right thing, do you mean staying away from her?" she asked. "Do you really believe _that's_ the path you should choose?"

"It's the best I could think of and trust me, I've thought about it _a lot_. I need time. We both do, I think. And... since Chihaya is actually staying aloof... it seems best to use that opportunity and test out my hypothesis. Heaven knows it would be even harder if she _did_ look for my company."

Kanade's gaze only turned more disbelieving, but she said nothing. And Taichi was glad, for he knew that whatever she might say to him now, no matter how wise or logical, would be disregarded by him in an instant. Not because he was free of doubt, like his words might suggest, but because the uncertainty was still there, and he couldn't let it take over him.

Although, there was also one thing he had no doubts about.

Whatever it might have looked like, however much he might have appeared to crave Chihaya's interest, he really didn't want her to come after him again, much less if it were to ask him to come back.

After all, the only reason why their talk last week hadn't gone south immediately was because she wasn't trying to do that.

Not like when...

"Anyway, as I said, there's no point in thinking about it now," he added resolutely, stubbornly refusing to accept this new direction his mind had shown. "Whether I'm right or wrong, only time can tell now. What I _do_ know for sure, though, is that I've kept you long enough, so I won't anymore. Go to Chihaya, and then go to the practice. Tell everyone I say hi," he threw in as casually as he could, too. "And that I, too, am expecting them to work hard. Who knows, maybe if everything goes right, I'll come to cheer for you at the nationals."

"The _regionals_ , you mean?" Kanade asked with a weak, resigned smile.

"I mean what I say," Taichi persisted. "And I say what I mean. You guys can still do it, especially now that Hokuo's best players have graduated. I don't think they even have an A-class player anymore... And you have two, right?"

"Yes, we do. I wasn't aware you knew. How?"

"Let's just say that Nishida was pretty shaken by seeing Tamaru Midori in the clubroom for the first time."

Taichi was happy to see Kanade let out a chuckle, even if she was clearly trying to stifle it. Then she sighed, her eyes shifting towards the wall clock opposite of her and then back to him. He gave a little nod. He understood.

"Really, go to her," he urged gently. "I have my own business to take care of, too. Thank you for the chat though, I really needed it."

"Same here. I'm happy we could talk."

She gave him one final smile and turned, waving her hand sheepishly in the process. Taichi returned the gesture and the expression alike, and then turned around himself, setting off towards the teacher's office, where he'd been supposed to show up much earlier no doubt.

He was _not_ going to forget his task this time.

He only hoped that Taeko-sensei was still waiting for him there.


	5. Chapter 5

_"Taichi!_ _ **Taichi!**_ _Don't! Don't do it! Don't leave the club, don't! Taichi..."_

_Her voice was strained and rusty as she screamed her pleas for him to hear, her breathing shallow and uneven like it only could have been after the chase she'd just finished. There was sweat upon her brow and a good deal of dust all over her face. Her hair was a mess, too, the so carefully braided plaits coming undone inelegantly, loose strands flowing in the wind right in front of her eyes._

_The eyes that were so full of tears._

_He lowered his gaze and fixed in on the ground under his feet, suddenly resolute not to meet hers. He didn't need to look at her to guess what the rest of her looked like, to realise that the hakama she wore was wrinkled and uneven. He'd worn a kimono enough times himself to know that the tight binding would never remain so after the sprint Chihaya had just done, and if that didn't happen fast enough, then Chihaya herself would loosen it to allow her to run even faster._

_She'd run all this way from school, of that he had no doubt. As fast as she could, as recklessly as she always did._

_She'd run to meet_ _**him** _ _, to catch him by the sleeve and cry out her complaints, to beg him not to leave her behind the way he had. She'd found out about his resignation and dashed out of the school, not bothering to change into her usual clothes, darting towards the train station he himself had been walking to. He didn't know whether she'd managed to deliver the speech. He didn't know whether she'd even begun it._

_He had no idea if the discovery of his unexpected retirement had been made before or after the club presentations were over._

_"Taichi... Don't..."_

_Logic told him it should have been the former. After all, she was expected to tell the students what the number of the members was._

_"_ _**Don't** _ _..."_

_Her voice had come from calling, to shouting, to stammering. She uttered the same few words, over and over again, as if unable to come up with anything else, or maybe just thought that nothing else was necessary. That nothing else would work._

_That if her desperate howling wasn't enough, then nothing would suffice._

_Taichi felt the weight of her, clinging onto his arms stubbornly. The weight he'd used to joke about, teasing her about her weighing much more than might be expected of her, just to see that one-of-a-kind expression appear on her face; to see her indignation that to him was as adorable as it was funny, all the better because he could be sure she would not be offended by his jokes but that in the end, she'd laugh at them with him instead._

_However, neither of them was laughing now._

_It was no place for jokes._

_And the burden that he bore had little to do with Chihaya's physical weight._

_He listened closely, expecting another invocation; but none came. Instead, he heard her sobs, ragged and loud and ugly, though at the same time it was obvious that at least the high volume wouldn't last long. She was already exhausted enough to cast away the words, it would be foolish to expect her cries to last much longer._

_Taichi knew that he should've been shaken by the sight. Horrified, perhaps, and definitely not wishing for it to continue for a second longer, regardless of how quiet or noisy it was. He should've felt sorry for Chihaya, and mad at himself for causing her distress, and thinking of a way to ease her mind quickly. Even if he couldn't grant her her request, he at least should have tried to find a way to break it to her kindly._

_He should have apologised for not telling her sooner and telling her himself._

_He should not have been feeling all the anger that he did feel._

_He should have been able to appreciate the fact that she cared for him enough to go after him and ask to come back to her._

_None of those he could do._

_Because Taichi_ _ **was**_ _angry with her. Even though he knew her intentions were noble and the wish to get him back was sincere, he still couldn't ignore the fact that it was_ _ **her**_ _needs and_ _ **her**_ _fears that had dictated it. It was her shock and misery that had made her run, and not the concern she had felt for_ _ **him**_ _._

_She hadn't considered his view on things. She hadn't stopped to think of why he'd made that particular choice or what reasons he might have had to support it. Right now, it looked like she couldn't care less about what_ _ **he**_ _thought was right_ – _and the more he thought of it, the more furious he grew._

_Couldn't she see that it was downright impossible for him to stay in the club with her, after all that had happened between them? Did she really not see how hard it was on him, how much worse it would irrevocably become over time? It hadn't even been two weeks since he'd confessed. And of course, he'd made sure to act normally during the club meetings so far - but surely, knowing what she had, Chihaya couldn't have missed the changes in him, could she?_

_There was no reason for her to act so flabbergasted. He'd given her enough signals for her to figure out his plan._

_Or was she really so blind?_

_It was either that or assuming that she'd consciously ignored all that she'd seen in favour of indulging in her own desire to have him by her side, no matter the cost._

_He sensed her fingers tighten around his forearm. He moved on instinct; grabbing her by the elbow, with his other hand cupping the back of her head, he pulled her close to him, the wrath he felt now mixing with the helplessness that came over him and the contempt he had for himself. He brought her close, taking advantage of her surprise, close enough for their breaths to intermingle._

_He saw her bright eyes, wide open and so full of dread, with tears glazing her irises and hanging on the tips of her eyelashes. He heard her hold her breath as she watched him, dazed, determined not to do as much as blink._

_His mouth brushed against her upper lip._

_He didn't dare to turn it into a kiss._

_Perhaps if he had, the situation would have changed. Maybe if he had acted on his emotions like he wished to, if he had had the courage to close the distance and force his will onto her, she would have reconsidered the answer she'd given him on that ghastly afternoon two weeks ago. She might not have liked it or be grateful for it, but she would at least know what it was that he had yearned for for so long and maybe, just maybe, she would have realised that it wasn't as horrible and surreal a vision as it apparently was to her. It wouldn't have made her love him. But she at least might have seen him as a potential lover and partner and not just her good, childhood friend._

_If only he could have shown her how ardently he really loved her._

_He didn't though. He didn't know whether it was the respect he still had for her or his own cowardliness that stopped him_ – _and who knows, maybe even the hidden cruelty that told him to play with her and tease her, as a payback for all the fake hope she'd unwillingly given him?_

_He didn't know. Frankly, he didn't care, either._

_"Chihaya," he said instead, his hands moving to her shoulders, his fingers curling and digging into the thick fabric she wore. "Do you think... Do you think I'm made of stone?"_

_Tears fell down her cheeks._

_His eyes fell on them._

_And the world fell apart._

* * *

A rumble of the passing train snapped him out of the daydream violently, shattering the picture before his eyes into a thousand little pieces. Taken aback, Taichi flinched involuntarily, surprised both by the noise and the reality that had come rushing to him. He looked around, instinctively, taking in the surroundings; he sighed with relief, seeing that despite his earlier inattentiveness he had not just walked right into some danger or other.

Not physically, anyway.

He shook his head and shrugged, somehow managing to adjust the strap of his bag simultaneously, and resumed his stroll. He needed to bend under the barrier, still not raised properly – but he paid it little mind. Even if it wasn't exactly what a model citizen should be doing.

He was putting enough energy into becoming one in other ways than waiting for a piece of wood to come up.

So he walked, swiftly and resolutely, not at all willing to roam around the place that had nothing but flashbacks of his hardships and his idiocy. He had enough to worry about without adding such incidents to the mix, especially when he knew so well that the occurrence was far from extraordinary, at least in his case. It had happened before. It would certainly happen again. The only thing that changed was his imagination that really _was_ becoming more vivid by the day, making his memories seem more like dreams than recollections made knowingly in his supposedly conscious, awake mind.

The fact that it wasn't surprising to him only confirmed his belief that there was no point thinking about it.

For he really wasn't surprised. Why should he be? Because it had already been three days since his unexpected talk with Kanade and the discoveries he'd made then? Three whole days since she'd told him about Chihaya leaving the club as well as the circumstances of her resignation? With the amount of details he'd learnt on that occasion, it would have been naive to hope to be over it in a matter of days, especially now when he knew that he couldn't confront the girl in question openly.

The news about her quitting had been a shock to him, there was no denying that. One from which he still hadn't recovered, nor did he expect to do it any time soon.

And yet, it was not that information that had made him lose himself in thought just now.

No, the bare fact that she had left, as astonishing as it was, had little to do with his momentary inattentiveness. The description of her last few appearances in the club room, given to him so generously by Kanade hadn't been a direct cause of it, either, though it certainly was much closer to the real source of his sudden reverie. Still, it wasn't precisely the reason for it.

He hadn't spaced out because he'd remembered how Chihaya had acted. It wasn't the image of her playing hesitantly or the lack of passion she was told to have shown that had made him close his eyes tight for a second, before raising them to the sky above him, unwilling to look at the environment around him.

It was her _words_.

_"She said that all the cards were black to her."_

What a damn moron, he thought, though whether he meant her or himself, he couldn't really say.

He remembered the look on Kanade's face when she'd told him about it, a mixture of determination and anxiety so natural in those particular circumstances. The hint of confusion in her eyes when she'd quoted Chihaya's muttering, not understanding the meaning behind it but trusting that he would.

Once again, she was right.

He did.

How couldn't he? The line was still too fresh in his mind, despite the seemingly long time that had passed since he'd uttered it. He didn't even know how many weeks it had been – three? four? Something in between or perhaps even more? To him it made no difference. He remembered what he'd said that day to her; he knew that she'd heard him.

He knew that on that day in the clubroom, she'd been using his words.

This was why he wasn't surprised that the memory came back to him now. It was here where he'd said those very same words to her, it was only natural that they would reappear in his mind as soon as his eyes registered the view. Sure, he'd already walked the path twice and felt nothing; still, even that could have been explained with at least a couple of reasons.

Like the fact that he'd covered all his way to the station in one long run after he and Kanade had finished talking, afraid he would be late to his cram school classes.

The fact that he'd made an extra effort revising English vocab in his head when he'd walked home yesterday, aware of the danger that was still awaiting him.

The fact that he'd let his guard down recklessly just now, too tired to even worry about it.

A group of sparrows cried on his right, before taking flight unexpectedly, making him shift his gaze once more. Taichi followed the flock for a moment, until all of the birds settled down on another tree nearby, even though it was clear that they had no intention of falling silent any time soon.

The bright, warm rays of sun shone through the branches.

Taichi smiled weakly at the sight.

He supposed his reminiscences might have had something to do with the fact that the whole scene looked almost exactly as it had back then.

It really was no wonder that they'd come to haunt him now.

Still, he had no wish to succumb to those thoughts, no matter how well justified their arrival was. He was so tired of it, too: of the constant battle against his own mind (or was it his heart?) that for some reason kept bringing up the most painful memories and ideas at the worst possible times. And it wasn't even that he was particularly tired or miserable already – had that been the case, he at least could have understood the timing. After all, tired meant weak; exhausted meant distracted.

It would have made sense for the bad thoughts to appear whenever he was already feeling down.

However, they didn't. Instead, it seemed like his brain had intentionally chosen the less obvious path, always waiting until its owner convinced himself that he _might_ do better. Whenever Taichi had made up his mind about moving on – whenever he'd come up with a new strategy or plan – whenever he started feeling confident that he _could_ exile the images of Chihaya and their relationship from his thoughts, his mind betrayed him, bringing them back with a force Taichi could not withstand.

And even that comparison was not at all free of connotations. Quite the opposite: the feeling was so similar to what he'd felt during his long talk with Chihaya, that ignoring it seemed downright impossible at this point.

At that time, he'd been trying to recall the wounds she'd given him, but could only think of all the joy she'd brought into his life.

Now he wished to forget her, if only for a time – and yet, he couldn't, the occurrence all the more ironic given how much Chihaya herself had done in order to stay out of his sight these days.

In both of these cases, his reason should have won.

Then why didn't it?

"Seriously," he grumbled, succumbing to the new habit of discussing matters with himself loudly. "What's the point of trying this hard when none of it pays off, anyway? I might as well give up already and let it all take over me again. What am I saying, I could call Chihaya this moment, or even go meet her and it wouldn't make it any worse than it is already! So why do I even bother?!"

By the time he'd got to the final words of his complaint, he was nearly shouting. He knew that he should pull himself together before someone around him noticed – he really was lucky that the area was as deserted as it had been during his heartbreaking encounter with Chihaya, even if it did little to lift his spirits in general – and yet at the same time, he was well aware that with every day that passed he'd come closer to the state of not giving a hoot. Again, it wasn't because he wished for it; he was simply losing his strength.

And the more time went by, the less was left in him to use.

He had good reasons for it, too. The situation was frustrating. There was no better word for it, no term that could describe his struggles more precisely. When all of his labour appeared to be a fool's errand, when all the choices he made seemed flawed. He knew he needed to work, to occupy himself one way or another in order to keep his mind off certain subjects, only to realise that his attempts had all been in vain.

He understood that his endeavours would be fruitless.

Still, he also knew that doing nothing was a far worse path.

It really was quite a hopeless business.

_"Is that the story of my life? Is everything I do futile?"_ he heard his memory prompt him, the vague recollection of last year's national tournament looming before his mind's eyes. The blurry shape of Emuro Ryoga, who'd reminded him of Arata at the time, but whom he could and had defeated, if only by a hair and only thanks to the remarkable stroke of luck he could not have counted on. Thanks to the deal he'd made with God during that match.

Yet another memory he could do without right now.

_Pull yourself together, Taichi,_ he ordered himself quietly, reaching out to adjust his jacket, an action as random as it was necessary, for his psyche at least; anything that could help him shift his attention a bit. _Just because the results aren't immediate doesn't mean there won't be any. All things take time to grow, it's foolish to expect the change so soon, even if it might have seemed different at first... So man up and wait like you're supposed to._

Right, he remembered. Waiting was something he was actually pretty good at – or at least, that's what it would have looked like to the people around him. As hard as it was, as painful as it was, he _was_ a patient guy, what with the unsolicited training Chihaya had put him through.

_There's no reason to throw that feature away now,_ his inner voice supplied. _Not when there's such an obvious demand for it._

Patience.

Of course.

Another thing he'd become so tired of.

He groaned angrily and picked up his pace again, eager to reach the train station at last. Even with the railway crossing behind him, he still ached for a change of surroundings, no matter how small. Besides, every step he made brought him closer to his cram school, and if there was one thing he knew – one thing he could still trust in – it was that as soon as he reached it, all the unwelcome thoughts would go away pretty much on their own.

After all, wasn't his extra studying the main reason why he'd done so well in the first week after Chihaya's grand visit there?

_Shame it all ended before that week had even come to an end_ , the more spiteful part of him suggested before Taichi could even think of blocking it. _Also, won't the cram school entrance only remind you of her now? The one place that was supposed to be entirely unrelated to her. Now that's a shame, too..._

He shook his head decidedly, resolute to chase away the vicious thoughts, even if belatedly. It was another quirk that he seemed to have picked up in the course of the last weeks, though as of now, it still remained unacknowledged, to a certain degree at least. Still, it worked well enough for him in general, allowing to clear his mind and gain the minimal amount of time required for coming up with a defending mechanism.

Sometimes, a few seconds was all that he needed.

And yet, it seemed like it wasn't the case now, not entirely anyway. Already worn out with his previous battle of thoughts and focused on barring those of Chihaya's feverish chase and his own cold rebuttal of her request, he overlooked the other memory of her, the appearance of which was as obvious as it was reasonable. Determined not to let the hatred and contempt flourish in his heart, he unintentionally allowed his gentleness to take over and accept in his name a thought his reason would have rejected instantly.

For indeed the mention of his cram school brought Chihaya to his mind.

And yet even then, it wasn’t her words that he heard.

_"It probably won't be very comfortable to kneel on the tatami with it. You might want to think of a cushion."_

They were his own.

He almost froze on the spot upon remembering that particular part of the fateful conversation they'd had after she'd come to see him there. The way she had stumbled for seemingly no reason at all, how the accident had been the ice-breaker they'd both so needed at the time. It seemed to do the exact same job for him now, the thought of it somehow making him cast aside all doubts and worries just to focus on the absurd memory itself.

He would have smiled at the well-engraved image of Chihaya's pouting that had immediately appeared in his head, if not for all overtones that he'd just come to realise.

_"That won't be necessary."_

Of course it wasn't.

_"I won't be needing it."_

Of course she did not.

_"I'll be fine."_

Of course she...

"She already knew she wouldn't be playing," Taichi whispered hoarsely to himself, his eyes wide open with astonishment that clearly wasn't going anywhere. "She'd already left the club at the time. And she clearly wasn't thinking of coming back any time soon."

Then why hadn't she told him...?

_But she had._

Yes, she had. In that exact moment, when she had shot down his idea so promptly, reacting faster and with more conviction that she could have done if her mind hadn't been made up from the start. Knowing Chihaya's character (and the obstinacy that came with it), he had mistaken her confidence for determination, assuming that what she'd talked about was gritting her teeth and powering through regardless of the possible pain. He'd seen her push her limits like this enough times to know she was capable of it in situations much more dire than a simple cutting of a knee.

He was so sure of Chihaya's inability to give up, he missed the clue that said she already had.

It was a little hint. A tiny, weak, almost non-existent one that, in all honesty, couldn't have objectively been called one. Save for the already mentioned immediacy of Chihaya's answer, there was no sign that her words had been anything other than a reflection of her usual sanguine attitude; there was no way for Taichi to see through the act and surmise what she'd been actually referring to.

He couldn't have understood.

He absolutely should have.

"Argh, not again!" he groaned, pressing his hands against his temples somewhat desperately. "I _couldn't_! I'm not a mind reader, for Pete's sake! Just because I know her well... I mean, even considering that I do, how was I supposed to guess when she clearly didn't want me to?"

It wasn't until he uttered the last word that the full realisation had hit him. Up until now, he could have – and _had_ – assumed that Chihaya's omission had been nothing but a blunder on her part, an understandable negligence that was entirely in her style. He could have blamed it on the situation, too, what with the singularity of Chihaya's fall, as well as the time limit the two of them had needed to heed.

They'd spent well over an hour in that playground, after all, and still it seemed like there hadn't been enough time. It was only natural that she couldn't have told him everything, wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

Or at least, that's what Taichi had been subconsciously telling himself for the two last days.

What a fool he was.

Because there was no doubt now. All of a sudden, it was enough for him to recall the events briefly to know that there was no room for mistake in this particular case, that whatever the reason was for Chihaya not telling him about her leaving the club, it surely wasn't because she'd forgotten. His suggestion had not been made at the end of their talk; he hadn't made his remark in a heated discussion in the midst of it. It couldn't have been overlooked.

Instead, it had been heard and answered, and even though the reply itself was vague, it still meant that the issue had been acknowledged.

Heck, just the fact that he _had_ raised the subject should've told him that already.

_She didn't want me to know._

The question now was – why?

"It wasn't because she didn't trust me," he mumbled under his breath, as he pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, impatiently. "If that had been the case, she wouldn't have agreed to talk in the first place. Sure, I did most of the talking then, at least when it comes to admitting and explaining things... but it wasn't like Chihaya had been holding back, either. If anything, she seemed resolved to clear things up as much as possible. Then why..."

_Why did she conceal such crucial news?_

Was it because she was afraid of hurting him? Or was it the opposite, with her fearing his reaction to the decision she'd made? There was no need for her to be afraid of that, surely; after abandoning the club like he had earlier, Taichi hardly had the right to criticise her for doing the same, even if he _did_ want to give her an earful as soon as he'd learnt about it. She must have known that.

So was it the first option, after all?

_No, that's not the reason why_ , he thought almost instantly. _Her visit itself held the risk of wounding someone, and Chihaya must have realised that. She wouldn't have dodged the answer because of it, as uncomfortable as it made her feel. However, she didn't hesitate with her answer, either, which is just another proof that her choice had been irreversible – In other words, there was no possibility of her changing her mind anymore. But then,_ _ **why**_ _couldn't she have just said so in the first place?_

Perhaps she'd actually intended to. It was no trivial matter, so it made sense that she didn't want to bring it up in the middle of their banter, especially when she'd had every reason to believe they'd talk more seriously after her cut had been seen to. If her plan had been to wait and bring it up later...

Then he surely couldn't blame her for the choice she'd made.

"And I suppose I can't really hold it against her for not getting to it afterwards, either," he mused out loud. "That talk we had... If there's one thing I can say for sure about it, it's that there was no plan for it – and even if there had been, then it pretty much would've got thrown out of the window the moment we started replying to one another. Heaven knows there was a lot to unpack, so even if Chihaya wanted to tell me, it's possible that she simply got swept by the flow and missed the chance to say it so... Wait, no! That's just an excuse. Or maybe... Heck, which one is it?!"

He slapped his palm against his forehead, finally giving in to the temptation and halting in his track, leaning heavily against the pavement barrier as if his agitation had affected his physical condition as well. With his back turned towards the road and his head bent low, he looked as if he were about to fall over – and honestly, with the whirlwind of emotions that had taken over him, he could hardly be surprised if it had really come to it.

He was so confused. He felt dizzy.

And yet, even with all those notions pestering him, he couldn't help but think that he was back to square one, and not only when it came to the subject at hand.

"I'm supposed to be moving forward," he reminded himself harshly. "I'm supposed to work on this. I am _not_ supposed to give in so easily."

He'd only just told himself that the confusion he was feeling was not a sign of his failure, that just because he couldn't see the results yet it didn't mean he was wrong. As difficult as it was, as _impossible_ as it seemed, he _could_ get through it. If nothing else, he could at the very least wait it all out, postponing the day of his recovery but doing whatever was in his might until his mind stopped betraying him like it did now.

He could _not_ give up.

Even if every fibre of his being screamed otherwise.


End file.
